To Give, Yes, but To Receive?

I had a conversation with a friend this morning that has become quite traditional for me at this time of year. It’s my birthday on Sunday and obviously Christmas a couple of days after and I’ve come to dread the days leading up when people say to me “What do you want for your Birthday & Christmas?”

What do I want?

Aaaaargh!

And that’s usually as far as it goes. And this friend today pointed out that that’s a really good way of avoiding receiving anything. *And* that that is a hugely selfish position to put oneself in. I know the joy of giving. And I withhold that joy from people around me by making it hugely difficult for them to give. I want to keep the giving all to myself. Yuk!

I was encouraged instead to “Get ready to receive like hell!” and make a list of things I’d like to receive. Yuk! again! Yuk! I would do anything to avoid this. I do anything to avoid being given to, but then end up wondering why I don’t have stuff. I’m avoiding it now by writing about it instead of doing it.

Now of course, I let go of a lot of “stuff” when I went on the road, but now I’m settled again, there are things that I need and want that are associated with that lifestyle. I think I’m cured of accumulation for its own sake, but for the last five months I’ve been a bit needless and wantless.

See how I’m still avoiding getting down to it. It’s painful, isn’t it? I really want to slip out of doing this and get on with working out what I can give to others, but the truth is that this is a time of exchange, not one-way flows. I don’t have a problem with giving, I have a problem with receiving, so that’s where my attention needs to be.

Deep Breath.

I’ve got a high-level list of spending categories from times when I’ve had plentiful income and when I look through that, I find that there are things I want. And if I let go of the idea that anyone at all might be interested in this list and might act upon it, I can trick myself into typing it out and posting it to the internet.

I’d be really grateful for:

a bedside table (or a TV stand to replace the bedside table that’s currently holding up the TV!)
a really nice solid writing desk
a warm blanket that feels like it’s mine
bed linen in dark warm coloursn
a thicker duvet
my bed back from storage
curtains for the bedroom that really blackout
a blender
a roasting tin that fits our little oven
measuring cups and a measuring jug
kitchen scales
a little one-cup coffee filter like Laura’s got
some more plants for the flat
homebase/IKEA vouchers (!)
a big (no really, probably bigger than you’re thinking) whiteboard
a lifetime’s supply of whiteboard markers & wipers
a noticeboard for the hall
a generous, dark, soft fleecy/velvety/corduroy beanbag
HD storage for home media
big chunky headphones
my turntable and amp from storage
a desktop PC that’s less than 5 years old
a movie-quality video camera with good sound
new glasses (spectacles) – last time I bought new ones was 1996 that’s too long.
a case + screen protector for my phone (HTC Desire S)
good smells – there was a time when I wouldn’t have dreamed of going out without suitable aftershave, but I have no idea what suits me these days.